Candid communication requires more than talent. It involves trust, understanding, empathy and resolution. It is an art. Yet, time and time again you see people expecting simple and quick solutions to improve their communication skills.

During my years with Merrill Lynch I observed and coached scores of sales people. Tom Sherman, a trainer in the New York office, coached me when I started with the firm. One of the first lessons he shared was: never "ask for the order" until you feel comfortable enough to borrow ten dollars from your prospect.

TRUST

How do you develop trust? How long does it take? Why is trust so important? All good questions for the young aggressive salesperson desperately striving to be successful. However, everyone who deals with people needs answers to these questions too.

Trust is mostly about how one person FEELS about another person. The amazing thing about feelings is that everyone has feelings. Often clients try to hide or disguise their true feelings when they don’t trust the person with whom they are dealing. Feelings are not a matter of being right or wrong. Feelings are just feelings. Whatever your feelings toward another person, they are undoubtedly based on your past experiences.

Feelings can change and you can earn another person’s trust. The key is to share with the other person several specific experiences that demonstrate how you are trustworthy. It starts with simple things like keeping your word. Call back when you said you would. Be on time for your appointments. Ask questions and listen for the answers with interest. You need to focus on the best interests of the other person as opposed to what is most convenient or comfortable for you.

The time it takes to develop trust depends primarily on two factors. How positive or negative were the other person’s similar experiences in the past? Secondly, how well have you mastered the disciplines of keeping your word and focusing on the other person’s self interests?

UNDERSTANDING

Trust takes time, repetitive positive experiences and consistency. Development of understanding takes time, a vast array of experiences with all kinds of people, deliberate hard work, study and a bit of wisdom. This is not a combination you achieve from one good book or an occasional one-day seminar.

Executives and students desiring to improve their speaking and presentation skills are often surprised how important it is to understand themselves if they want to effectively communicate to others. Most people are so concerned with their own agenda that they can not get beyond it to fully absorb the other person. It may be they are trying to think what to say next, how to pick apart the other person or simply be worried about how they look. These are just a few of the many possible blocks that will inhibit understanding and good candid communication. First and foremost a person must spend time and effort to understand and be comfortable with who they are. "An unexamined life is not worth living." -Plato

Hippocrates, the father of medicine, was the first to notice, categorize and record the differences in people’s behavior. Over the centuries others have continued to refine his ideas. Today most progressive executives are familiar with the four-quadrant behavior model. It will help you to see what a person’s goals are, what they fear, and how they are motivated. It will also help you avoid the possible hazards you encounter with extreme people.

Let’s look at two classic examples. The boss is impatient, loud and doesn’t hesitate to speak her mind. This is a direct and assertive style. So what could she possibly fear? If you know the model, it’s simple. She fears losing control or being taken advantage of by others. When you communicate with her, be direct, short and to the point. Focus on results, not emotion.

Our second example is a person who works in the accounting department. He spends hours being sure the numbers come out right. Details are scrutinized. Nickels and dimes are just as important as the big picture. How do you avoid the BIG hazards? This person takes pride in doing things right, a perfectionist. NEVER criticize the way they have performed a task. A preferred approach would be to share specific and correct information or numbers with them and after they have been given the new information wait for them to reevaluate. (Call DGR Communications for a free copy of the whole model.)

Understanding takes time and effort. You must become a student of people. In the preface of his book, You Are the Message, Roger Ailes says, "It is only through study and application that we can develop the capability and control needed to be intelligent speakers and –equally important-intelligent listeners. It is only through knowledge and discussion that we can sharpen our critical judgement, to distinguish between messengers who are harmful versus those who are beneficial."

EMPATHY

"Given empathy, brutality becomes impossible." So says John M. Soderberg the sculptor. As a child John lived in Afghanistan, India and Thailand. He has seen a wide range of life experiences. Webster says that empathy is the intellectual identification with the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another person.

To be empathetic to others, you must be totally receptive, like a dry sponge drinking up water. This means you are comfortable with yourself. You are not judgmental of the behaviors, beliefs and backgrounds of those you encounter. You have an open mind to new ideas and approaches to discussing issues and solving problems.

People intuitively know if you are open to them. No matter what level of education a person has attained, they seem to be able to recognize when another person is sincere and caring. Your job is to be open and honest---to actually care about the other person. Relax, it takes time to be real.

RESOLUTION

Communication is not complete until there is closure. This does not mean that you always have to agree with the other person. You may agree to disagree. It does mean that you have to reach a meeting of the minds.

Reality dictates that it is not always possible to get closure on the spot. Part of becoming a master communicator or a master sales person is knowing when to close. Please realize that this is primarily an emotional issue. Knowing when to close or seek resolution is a matter of experience and understanding.

Effective communication requires more than talent. It involves trust, understanding, empathy and resolution. It is an art.
 
 

Basic Ingredients
 

TRUST

It takes time, repetition and consistency

Practice keeping your word

UNDERSTANDING

Search to know yourself completely

Become a student of people

EMPATHY

Be open to others, not judgmental

Focus on the other person

RESOLUTION

Seek closure

Be gentle

*D,I,S,C refers to the four quadrant model of behavioral styles. Fax or e-mail David Rohlander for a free reference copy that explains the model and gives practical tools for dealing with people.

Copyright © 1999 by David G. Rohlander. All rights reserved.

David Rohlander is an international speaker, consultant, author and executive coach. David works with leaders and management teams to enhance communication and produce increased bottom line results. Rohlander established DGR Communications (Orange, CA) in 1979 to train leaders to communicate. Nearly a decade with Merrill Lynch, personally developing commercial and residential real estate, owning a travel business and being a former combat fighter pilot gives David a unique perspective. Rohlander taught management, marketing and communications at six universities in the southwestern U.S. He has an MBA in Finance from California State University. For more information about David, his speaking, consulting or facilitating a program for you, call 800-921-1958, fax 714-771-1218 or e-mail David@dgrinfo.com or on the web at www.dgrinfo.com.